Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
