This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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