tell your sister to shave her snatch
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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