The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
