She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
