hotel room ftw
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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