Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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