If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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