tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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