hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
