and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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