I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
