dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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