1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize