I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
