i love accidental penises.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
