There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
