Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
