just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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