just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize