No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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