so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
