Umm I'm too high to move.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
