I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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