God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
