That's when you crack a 10am beer
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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