u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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