Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
