I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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