i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
