Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
