My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize