Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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