weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
