honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
