I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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