Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
