worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize