2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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