the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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