I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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