Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
