Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
