I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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