I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If its not for food we ain't going out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
