I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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