weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
