you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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