rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
