the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
