Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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