my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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