I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just invented taco cereal.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
