Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
