uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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