after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
