You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
