I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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