I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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