i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
