The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
