I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
