omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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