So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
