I just cut my nipple shaving
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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