you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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