I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
