Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize