we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize