Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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