And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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